Not lesser than.

*Please Note this Blog Post contains sensitive subject matter and is meant for adults.

Today is the day that I am just going to lay it all out there. I am just going to rip the bandage off and hope those of you who read this aren’t too squeamish to see what was underneath.

I have found myself a wee bit angry this last week or so and that anger has inspired me to raise up my voice and speak out. I have read several extremely self-righteous posts online recently shaming women for their politics, telling me that I am not standing up for women because of whomever I am voting for. Telling me that I don’t care about women who have suffered at the hands of men because of my political beliefs, this is happening on all sides.  Now, this angers me!

This post is not going to be about politics, believe it or not I don’t care who you voted for. I don’t care where you stand on hot button issues, I won’t judge you on it and I won’t treat you differently for it. What I do care about is women shaming other women, especially women who have suffered trauma.

This blog post also has nothing to do with farming, except for the fact that I am a farmer and this is my blog and I’ll share what I want.

But first I want to take a pause here and ask if you are uncomfortable reading about trauma? If the answer is yes, then I encourage you to ask yourself why. If the reason it makes you uncomfortable is due to the fact that it upsets you to hear and know about the atrocities that happen in this world then I would ask you to pull your big pants up and read on. If the reason is because you have suffered trauma and reading about it is triggering, then please take care of yourself even if it means you must stop reading right here.

There are some topics that people just love to talk about, just as long as we don’t get too deep or give too much information. We as a society only like to scratch the very surface to make us feel like we are involved and righteous. We love to say we stand up for woman, we bash the men that sexually assault and abuse them. We stand united in solidarity on social media and say how enraged we are and how we support this person because they protect woman and are against that person because they don’t. But how many times have I spoken out to these so-called defenders of woman and said, “yes, you are talking about me, I am a survivor” and then the air goes out of the room and the conversation grinds to a deafly silent halt. They don’t REALLY want to talk about it or to hear about it, or to know about it. They don’t actually want it to be real, they just want to pat themselves on the back for being a supporter, for appearing loving and kind to ‘those’ women. Well, I am one of those women, it is ME and I am tired of other women making me feel less than, making me feel like an anomaly, making me feel like a second-class citizen. Women like me sit next to you at church, we are your co-workers, and we are your leaders, we are your community, and we are not lesser than you. And I certainly don’t need you to tell me what my politics or beliefs should be and I absolutely don’t need your lackluster support.

I want to know where are the woman who will bravely listen to a survivor’s story, who will ask me questions to understand better what I went through and sit in the uncomfortable places with me? That is what matters to me as a survivor. I don’t want your sympathy, I don’t want your sorry, I definitely don’t want your pity and I don’t need your phony camaraderie.   

As a survivor of childhood sexual exploitation when you hear my story, I want you to look at me and say “now there is someone who knows how to survive! Good for her.”  The people I have met in my life who will do that are few and far between and they are precious.

I know the second someone learns I am a survivor of childhood rape and sexual exploitation they will be uncomfortable; they will squirm and want me to take the words back. How about you? How did you react just now when you found that out about me? Your view of me changed instantly, didn’t it?  Will I see pity in your eyes the next time I see you?  Are you shocked because I seem so ‘normal’? What is a survivor of sexual exploitation supposed to be like? What were you expecting? Maybe you too are a survivor and recognized it in me or maybe you didn’t and that scares you.

Trauma survivors have scars, some are healed, and some are not, some survivors are comfortable sharing how they got the scars, and some want to keep their scars hidden. Everyone’s walk is different. For me, God called me not hide my scars, He showed me how to be proud of them. I lived many years walking around with shame and guilt for something that was done to me and was not my fault. The guilt and shame belonged to other people; it was never my weight to carry. I struggled with the decision on whether to keep my story quiet, not for my sake but to not make other people uncomfortable. As a child, when I was in the dark, God told me that someday my pain would be used to help others, that my suffering at the hands of evil men would have meaning and not be for nothing. Now as a grown woman I will not keep quiet, I will not be ashamed, and I am not responsible for your comfort level. It is only by the grace of God, who saved me that I have been able to turn ashes to beauty and that I am not afraid to speak out for others who can’t yet. I am the woman who will listen to your story, I am the woman who will sit in the uncomfortable places with you.

Next time you want to shame another woman or judge her for her beliefs, why not ask her why she believes what she does. Try to understand her walk and make sure your support goes deeper than a social media post. We are survivors, stop seeing us as victims.

In writing this my hope is to change the view on women who have been sexually abused, raped, trafficked and exploited. To take away the stigma, stop the pity and create a conversation. Many people will be uneasy with my openness about a difficult subject and that is okay.

With gratitude,

Angie